#8 Korean Men

Dear Abby:  My Korean boyfriend insists that I take a shower before each love-making session, how do I explain to him that I don’t always feel like doing this because it really takes passion out of our love-making–Confused white guy in the HBC

Dear confused in the HBC:  He’s sending you a not-so-subtle hint that you reek and body odor is considered offensive..even in Korea.  Fret not, a large assortment of body washes are readily available in most marts everywhere.  If that’s not convenient enough, you could always buy him one of those surgical masks that protects people from the Yellow dust.  However, there are drawbacks, one of which includes looking like a pedophile on the prowl.

Dear Abby:  My Korean husband insists on doing it doggy-style in the evening, can you please explain why he only wants to do it this way in the evening?–Confused white woman in Hongdae

Dear Confused white woman:  Your husband, being the forward thinking, progressive man that he is, insists on doing it doggy-style in the evening so that both of you are able to enjoy Korean dramas.

Dear Abby:  My Korean boyfriend insists on pulling out everytime we make love.  In addition, I catch him muttering something under his breath about “Sicilians.”  What is he referring to?–Black woman in Hoegi

Dear BWiH:  He’s referring to this scene in True Romance.

Dear Abby:  My Korean boyfriend insists that I do not look “Korean” enough, despite the fact that most foreign guys can’t get enough of me.  Can you explain this phenomenon?–Kyopo in Kangnam

Dear Kyopo in Kangnam:  Korean men have different standards of beauty than foreign men.  I recommend Dr Kim’s Aesthetic clinic in Apgujeong.  He’s a bit pricey, but you won’t regret it when you see your new eyelids, nose, mouth and chin!  Also, make sure you never, EVER weigh more than 50 kilos..regardless of your height.  Lastly, foreign guys find you attractive because you’re Asian, not because you’re beautiful.

Dear Abby:  I find Korean men to be uglier than sin, and most definitely do not feel comfortable around them.  What should I do?–Angry  and Uncomfy Adoptee

Dear Angry and Uncomfy Adoptee:  You have a few choices: A. stop being such a banana and get in touch with your “Asian” side B.  stop complaining and only hang out with foreign males C.  give up and move back to your country of adoption because clearly Koreans didn’t/don’t want you or else they wouldn’t have sold you in the first place!

Dear Abby:  My Korean boyfriend insists on viewing Asian porn and calling me 백말.   In addition, when we have sex it’s always with the lights off, at night, under the covers.    I take this as a sign that he doesn’t find me attractive, do you agree?–BBW in Shinchon

Dear BBW:  Yes